Sunday, 6 January 2019

New Year, New Attitude

Its a new year, and things feel different.
2018 was the year I finally gave up smoking, I started looking after myself more, working out, but it was also the year that I came to quite a few realisations that the way I was living wasnt making me happy. I've written a lot about identity and how I'm figuring mine out, but what I realised I needed to change was more deep rooted, my in the core of my surroundings. 
When I had Arabella I was really, a child still. Instead of what my friends were doing; partying, having experiences with no responsibilities and finding my place in the world. I knew at that point, my place was as a mother, I just didn't know how to handle finding out the rest of me, I think i'll be trying to figure out the rest of me for a long time. I've had to isolate myself and strip everything back to be able to figure out who makes me feel good about myself and who doesn't, who is a real friend, who I even care about and what I care about doing. 
I've spent so, so long in my own head talking myself out of what I want to do, and this year, I wont allow this anymore. 
I need to forge my place in the world, I want to help people, I want to help other people who struggle with their mental health, mothers, men, women, everyone. I want to create change. 
I want to finally start the mini brand I've been planning for months, I want to start painting again, I want to start my podcast on mental health and parenting, I want to take singing lessons and join my local womens football team, I want to wear more colour, smile more, support more, love more. 
I want to be the best parent I can be, the best partner, the best person to myself. 
I want to stop telling myself I'm not good enough, because I wouldn't say that to my child, and I wouldnt say it to myself as a child. I want to protect the child in me, because she was let down, and I cant do that again. 
I can do all these things, and simply the only person who will hold myself back is me.

Be happy, do what makes you happy, because life is just too short. 

Alexandra x


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