Wednesday, 7 November 2018

If its broken, fix it!

Writing has been hard for me for a while, I've felt very detached from reality for a while. A summer of bad news. A summer of sadness. A summer of worry every time someone calls, a summer of supporting everyones problems except my own.

I had my child young, to be honest, I was a child myself. A child having a child with someone I hadn't been with long enough to truly know. But the child that the child had, has made the child an adult.

This past weekend I went to Gunther Von Hagen's Bodyworld. An exhibition I've been to before when I was much younger. When I got to the room of the babies, the room of life in utero I guess, there was a little tiny baby, that came and left this world at 28 weeks. I looked at this tiny little child and all I could think was that this could have been Arabella, this nearly was her. If she had come then, would she forever be this tiny baby that didn't make it past birth, or would she have lived. I did everything I could to keep her safe for those further ten weeks, it took everything. I was so scared I would lose her, and truthfully, I'm too scared to have another just incase I nearly lose them too.
At the end of this exhibition theres a TED talk playing with Ric Elias, one of the survivors of the Hudson River plane crash of 2009. Its called 'Three things I learned when my plane crashed,' and i'll embed it in the bottom of this post.

Two things he said really stuck with me, "What would you get done, that youre waiting to get done because you think you'll be here forever?" and "Are you being the best parent you can?"

Every parent is guilty of making mistakes, every parent will at one point chose a path that doesn't directly benefit their child. Many parents have to do whatever they can to stay alive. It made me think about the negative behaviours I have learnt from my parents, many i've only realised from having quite intense therapy. Why do I constantly feel like I'm not worthwhile? What is wrong with me for people to treat me in such a way and I let them? Why is it so easy for people to leave me? Why will nobody listen to me or take what I'm saying seriously? Why do I hate my body so, so much?

I then think about my daughter, and how I would feel if she ever felt like this, where would this stem from? I want her to be whole, and not grow into an adult like me, trying to put my pieces back together.

I have to face what I feel and why, I cant spend my life trying to ignore it or find a loophole that only superficially deals with it, and I don't want to have to constantly put on a brave face to pretend I don't feel how I feel. I want to take ownership, and in the future, I want my daughter to be able to also. We all inevitably have issues, its just how we move from them.

I want to show to her that if something bothers you, theres way to change them. Ive smoked most of my life, and have on and off since she was born. Never when pregnant, and I never smoked around her, although she did know I smoked. This year she asked me to stop 'cigaretting' and it was the push I needed, and I am trying everything I can to stop, its not as easy as just 'stopping,' not anymore. Ive smoked since I was 13. Thats 15 years nearly, I'm already up against it with two auto immune diseases and epilepsy, I don't want to add cancer to that list.

Something I've been struggling with for a long time is my weight, I may still be a UK6, and small to many people but ive put on a lot of weight over the last year, that is healthy, although thats not how I feel, I get a lot of help to not feel like that, and not fall back into past routines, but the hatred I have for the way I feel about my figure is deep rooted. I want to change that, Im going to start working out at home, or at the gym if I have time, I want my daughter to see me healthy and see that exercise is good and we cant always rely on our metabolism or drastic diets to lose weight. I want to instil hard work in her, and a healthy lifestyle. May not work, but i'll have to try.

Maybe I'll let you know how I get on, and watch this video. I think it may have changed my life.

A x


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