Saturday, 22 August 2015

Mother's Ruin

Do you ever feel like you're not actually living your life? Not that you're not fulfilling what you want to do, more like you're watching yourself from the outside, merely existing in the in.
Numb. That's how I feel, numb. I've felt it for so long, less like a human being and more like a monotonous robot existing solely to just be.
I don't know if its something to happens to all mothers, or parents as it were, but I can certainly feel it happening to me. it's as if I'm becoming the ghost of my former self, and that's not just down to being a parent but also down to not finding happiness from relationships where it should be found.
Being on your own for the best part of three days a week is like a back handed compliment. I have all this time to do what I want, to go to work, to enjoy myself no questions asked. That's all great and stuff, but its the nights that are the worst. The nights after Arabella goes to bed at 7pm and the nights when shes not here and it's just me, within that time, I have never felt more alone.
I've spent a lot of my life alone, and for a long time until recently time to myself became something I mourned. The only way I can describe it was FOMO but for your life. I was mourning myself.
I spent this time alone now mostly lying motionless for hours that seem like minutes, with only my own thoughts to keep me company, trying to process what on earth is going on within my mind.
I break down every piece of interaction I have with anyone be it in person, text, on the phone. What could I have said differently? Should I have said that? Would that have offended them? Why would this person even like me? What do I have to offer any kind of friendship with anyone? What have I really got going for me? Half a head of hair that I can't even afford to keep blonde, no job in two weeks and a handful of failed relationships that go nicely with a pretty self deprecating mindset.
Logically, I do know that half of these things are things I've made up through paranoia, but when you are truly alone, alone with your own mind, these can become very rational thoughts.
Part of the process of finding who I am myself is scraping the bottom of that internal barrel of disbelief that you really are worth something, not just to someone else but to yourself.
I feel so vulnerable to the world, to every interaction I have, to everything I do. It's as if I'm putting myself on a plate for all to see and for everyone to pass judgement to face all kinds of new rejections all over again. I'm in a position where I need help and support from other people, but I also know I need it from myself just as much.
To put it bluntly, I'm fucking terrified of life at the moment. I don't know what I want to do for work after this month is done, I don't know where I want to live, I don't know that I'm half the Mother I want to be. I don't know if I'm enough for anything.
Although if there's anything about myself that I do love,  its that I will and can pick myself up from any situation and I do have the drive to make it better for myself, I can deconstruct my personality and being until there's nothing really left, but underneath it all there is something, I am a mother, I am capable and I am a woman, I am not a girl anymore and I will do whatever I can to fill that seemingly never ending hole of misery that I've grown to hold so dear.

Anyway, here's a song I cant stop listening to.

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