Friday, 22 February 2019

I am me & that is my power.

Im misunderstood, i'm frustrating, i'm hard work, i'm bad news, you're hard to love.
Cuts deep doesn't it? Reading that back to myself, things people have said to me. Mostly said in the heat of the moment.

I really do have the ability to get under peoples skin without realising it, despite my internal war of trying to never say or do the wrong thing. I have to be self aware of the lack of self awareness I have. I don't read people's signs and signals, I didn't come out with that built-in feature. I imagine that cost a bit more, and my mum didn't feel like splashing out. So I spend a lot of time trying to get to know people with no idea of how to get to know people. I think I hide it quite well now, although I have realised I try to relate to people by talking about my own similar experiences instead of listening.
I'm working on that.

Recently at Mothers Meetings there was a life coach talking, (I think I knew her in a past life, but thats a story for another time.) She made us write down three things our inner critic would say. Well, it was pretty hard to narrow it down to three.

  1. You are unloveable. 
  2. You are not worth anything. 
  3. You will only ever let your daughter down. 

These are three things that I probably say to myself each day. 
We were then told to close our eyes and visualise our advocate so to say, walking up to us and telling us we are ok. 
I found this pretty hard during the talk but I did come home and try. 
I see a little blonde girl, small framed, who's heart hurts. It hurts so much I can feel it. It is so overwhelming, but its also so full of hope. These huge eyes looking up at me and asking to hold my hand. At first I think it's my daughter. I know she's been hurt by her parents actions, and I know she's so full of love and hope for her parents futures with her. Just, its not her I'm seeing, and it seems so simple now, at the time. 

My therapist has told me on repeat to look after the little girl inside me, and at first I didn't understand. I always thought that thinking about that didn't matter. I was wrong. 
The little girl that I was, was let down by all the people who should have been protecting her. Nobody protected me, and I'm paying the prices of those failures now just as I was then. 

The thought of saying those three things to that little girl makes me feel sick. Sick to the core, I can almost taste my own organs and the blood pooling in my mouth. The thought is killing me, it's making me ill. She deserves to be protected and she deserves to be loved, and she deserves a future. 
This little girl tells me I can do it. She tells me that I am worthwhile. She tells me that I will be sucessfull and I can do whatever I put my mind to. She tells me everything I already tell my daughter. 

I haven't been looking after myself. I haven't looked after this little girl. 

I have to listen to the little girl now more than ever. Im looking for a new job, and I'm starting my own business and podcast. Im putting so much time into the latter two, and I have every intention on listening to this little girl, because she is the one that will be my motivation. She is the one who still has hope, and she's the one that loves so unconditionally, and so deeply because she believes she can do it. 

I want to thank Danielle ( for teaching me something, I already knew, and I mean that in the very, very best way. Also thank you as always to Jen / for helping me find my confidence. You changed my life. 

A x


Tuesday, 29 January 2019

Mothers Meetings; we could all do with one.

Photo by @kellybackphoto

Perhaps I wasn't the youngest mother, but I was very young mentally. My pregnancy was really hard work, with my depression rife and confidence at a low that I hadn't really experienced before, pregnancy groups were not my thing at all. The thought of it would send me into quite the panic, I knew it would be good for me to do, but I wasn't in a place of independence.
When the baby came, I went to a fitness class and baby massage, and felt so, so ostracised. I had imposter syndrome, I was too young and inexperienced to be able to come to these things and hold my own. Or so I thought...
I knew about Mothers Meetings since Arabella was born, and desperately wanted to go, but confidence got the better of me. It was a time when I didn't feel I was doing well enough, that I wasn't a good enough Mum and everyone else was better at it than me. Fast forward five years, and I realise that the products of these parents that were making me feel inadequate were far from perfect themselves.
We were also a family with no income, and I couldn't justify spending money on something that I felt I wasn't worthy of attending. Imposter syndrome again.
Yesterday was the second time I went to Mothers Meeting. I don't think I would have been able to walk through the door if it wasn't for me dragging my equally nervous friend, who also wasn't one for any pre birth groups or mum groups, with her fresh out the womb bambino, in tow.
I decided last year that I need to do things that scare me, so I went, I enjoyed it, and at the end I went up and spoke to Jenny about what I do and kind of that I'd like to be involved. I went up to many other mums too and I made conversation. I did it. I, did that. We ended up having lunch with all the women on the panel as my lovely insta-now-real-life pal Kelly (@Cultofyouth) was part of it, and something both my friend and I saw, is that the support for each other is second to none. I hadn't experienced that before. All these women from different walks of life, different experiences, with one thing connecting us. Motherhood.
This weeks Mother's Meetings was about Networking. Something I'm actually not too bad at, have I had a massive sick ball in my mouth before walking up to someone that I think I could work together with? Yes. Have I done it anyway? Yes. See previous paragraph! Was I absolutely still shitting myself before going because anxiety is terrifying and WHAT IF PEOPLE JUDGE ME?!!!!! Yes.
Just like in many other instances of my life, I was wrong, I didn't need to be. I met my rapping, slow cooking queen and super-mum Becci (@One.busy.mother) who I had met at the previous Mothers Meeting and we went in and supported each other to relieve each others nervousness. (Thanks Jen for letting us sit together!)
First of all, thanks GOD for Aisha (@aishacarrington_ / @getlitretreat), who I am slightly very much in love with, who got us all feeling relaxed and out of our nervous mindsets.
On the panel this week was some mumma's that really got us out of our comfort zones and essentially thrusted us into talking to new people. We were all in the same boat, and it worked! Who knew positive affirmations weren't make-believe?

I left yesterday's meeting, and impromptu lunch with my new friend Heather (@wanderfullfamily) feeling so positive. I love being a Mum, I might not be with my baby every day, but I am just as much of a Mum as anyone else, and I am more than capable of what I want to do, and I matter.

In more ways than one, this year has started negatively. Some things are my responsibility, but some things aren't, and some things weren't to be. I can sure as hell say that I am more than dedicated to my family, and what I want to achieve for myself and them. Sometimes you just have to start from scratch (again) to make it work. Life's too short not to take risks, but thanks to Mothers Meetings, and to Jenny for what she has created, for giving me the confidence to trust myself, and for my new pals.

So as @notaboutthekids and @junie_poonie have said (kind of,) 'Shower compliments like confetti,' and 'Put your big girl pants on and be BRAVE!!' No more running away for me this year.

Visit and and get involved, and if you wanna go and you're feeling nervous, let me know and I'll be your date!


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